The Fractal Hall Journal

“How The Ghosts Stole Christmas” really annoyed me first time I saw it, although I couldn’t quite recall why. Oh, it all comes flooding back now. The problem is, the opening twenty-odd minutes are brilliant, The X-Files meets The Haunting. You can almost believe we’re going to get a classic MR James Christmas ghost story. But no, instead the ghosts turn up, psychoanalyse the leads a bit, then give us a needlessly bloody/it-was-all-an-illusion climax. I don’t care if one of the ghosts was played by comic fan and rare American socialist Ed Asner. Actually, I do care, because that’s pretty awesome. As annoying a missed opportunity as the episode is, it’s redeemed a little bit by a surprisingly touching ending, where Mulder and Scully really come across as close friends; it works because the program seems to spend a lot of time in later series separating them. It’s a reminder of why we care enough about these characters to, well, watch a couple of hundred of episodes, in order, years after the programme finished.

But, as it turns out, it isn’t the worst of the comedy episodes, nor the worst episode of the season. Oh no, that award- along with award for worst episode of the entire show- goes to “The Rain King”. Fuck me backwards, I didn’t think it was possible to be more tedious than “The Field Where I Died”, or more nonsensical than “Soft Light”. This episode is an absolute bucket of shit. The investigation has something to do with a man who controls the weather, unconsciously, but the actual episode is about gently-comedic simple folk falling in love. It’s the very first time, in all of these episodes, that I wanted to switch off. Christ, it’s like an episode of- no, there’s nothing to compare it too. It’s a fucking car crash.

It also commits the sin, shared with same-series episode “Agua Mala”, of comedy based on backwards country cretin stereotypes. I’ve got a very low tolerance for classist shit at the best of times. In a show as intelligently written as this, there’s no fucking excuse. About they only thing they didn’t do was a gag about sheep-fuckin’, cos them country-folk love their sheep-fuckin’ (hellooooo Google users).

“Agua Mala” gets a partial out because it’s a fairly spooky (if comedic) monster-of-the-week that reintroduces Arthur Dales. Of course, his character goes on to get the shaft in yet another comedic episode, “The Unnatural”.

Before I get on to that, does anyone remember the issue of Peter Parker: Spider-Man that’s about how much Peter Parker loves baseball? It’s set in the past, when he was a kid and Uncle Ben took him to see whatever that team is they have in New York. I didn’t really like that issue, although I understand a lot of fans who loved it. I think it’s because I have zero interest in baseball, but also because, as far as I understood it, Parker isn’t a baseball fan. Or a fan of any sports. Isn’t he one of us?. Isn’t he the One True Nerd Hero? Don’t we get sport-worship in every other conceivable corner of our lives, whether we want it or not? Must I read about it in Spider-Man? Dear God, can nothing be pure?

Ahem.

What I mean is, it didn’t ring true to me. It looked like a writer projecting a little bit of autobiography on a character, when nothing in the character’s history suggested that kind of history. Then I realised the writer was Paul Jenkins. Paul Jenkins. The Welshman. Which, perhaps without justification, made me think that the story wasn’t even heartfelt, just a way of layering a bit of gooey American-ness in to appeal to the stars-n-stripes-n-apple-pie crowd (in much the same way, I suspect Scotsman Mark Millar’s A-Don’t-Stand-For-France thing in Ultimates wasn’t anything more than a calculated appeal to the jingoistic amongst us).

So with all that in mind, believe me when I say David Duchovny’s love letter to hitting stuff with longer stuff does absolutely nothing for me. It’s not that it’s badly written; quite the opposite. It’s sufficiently witty where it needs to be, and all the characters are likeable enough. But in fanguish terms, a lot of important things to do with the arc story are shat out here for laughs. This is the episode where we see the alien Greys interact with humans fully for the first time, and they’re in deliberately crap costumes. This is the episode where we find out they’re all shape-shifters, that the bounty hunter is in fact a Grey. This is where they decide to undermine the otherwise fantastic character of Arthur Dales by writing in that his brother (and maybe sister) has exactly the same name as him, and play the whole history of the X-Files for a laugh.

I don’t care whether it’s supposed to be in continuity, or if it “all depends on perspective”. Dropping revelations like this in a comedy episode, when the audience (i.e. me) has spent this long waiting for answers is a shitty way to go about things. And ultimately, I think this is why the audience went away. If the creators don’t take their show seriously, why should the viewers? I mean, a handful of comedy episodes is fair enough. Practically a whole series is ridiculous.